I saw our whole future one night
I’d blame it on the late Lo mein evening if it wasn’t so vivid
One decision kept us from happily ever after according to my sub conscious
It started in the delivery room
You squeezed my hand with the strength of 19 world champion arm wrestlers
A beautiful baby girl came screaming into the world … And I wept … Watched as you both slept .. And felt blessed
That was just the beginning of a lifetime crammed into 6 hours and 48mins of tossy turny slumber
Woke up and almost dialed your number
Wanting to excitedly tell you the details of how our kid learned to ride a bike … Pink streamers flailing in the wind
How being without you sometimes feels like an unforgivable sin …. I keep committing
I laid awake wondering what happens to a dream deferred
I believe good music should be felt.
That if you smelled it .. You dealt it.
I believe black women are the most beautiful in the world
That if the Eagles win a Super Bowl somebody mee maw gonna do backflips
I believe in miracles.. And angels
That a teenager walking down his street wearing a hoodie shouldn’t be a threat
Despite all the evil we see .. People are inherently good
I’ve never met a saint .. Just plenty of sinners trying to do their best
Which is why I believe forgiveness is an attribute of the strong
That anger is the enemy of understanding
That I must be demanding of myself before anyone else
I believe in me .. Which always wasn’t the case
But mine is the only face staring back from the mirror
All the motivation I need
God gave you life today
He decided that the world needed a blessing like you
I wish I could give you a gift
But I don’t know if anything would measure up
So I’ll say this …
I’m thankful that you’re here
And I hope that every year , month , moment you have is a great as you deserve
I’d love you with purpose
Forehead kisses and collarbone caresses.. punctuations to my every intention
I’d give you my rib
I’d give you the last piece of food on my plate
I’d give up my hate for Oprah , Tyler Perry , and Steve Harvey
I’d give the title of wife to you .. I’d live .. Die … And come back to life .. For you
I’d pray to every God above and below.. To never give me freedom… From you
Some Fall in love … I’ve stumbled
That what I mistook for a misstep lead me to you
I dig your aura
The way you believed God ordered your every step
Been days since I’ve slept with anything but you on my mind
So I felt compelled to write a rhyme dedicated to your energy
The not so physical presence you fill a room with
Crackling .. Simmering beneath your surface
Ebbing .. Flowing .. Sowing seeds of everything the world needs
And I’m selfish
But it’s like trying to capture the sun
So I get as much as I can and let the rest bask in your glory
Do you miss it ?
The soft caress of a whispered “hey beautiful ” as it trickles from my lips to your ear
The tickle of my beard on your inner thigh
I miss you
Somewhere between case and aaron hall … Without the leather suits
Just enough to be noticeable
A déjà vu of desire ?
Nah that sounds like a late night movie on Cinemax
Not that I would know about those
Just a certain kind of day .. The way a word is pronounced .. Remind me that you aren’t around
Straining to hear a sound in a crowded room might describe the sensation best
We all came from the earth and will return to it … But here I am in a world where my complexion determines my worth
Some would deny me my pride … Willing to subsidize the act for a small fee
Label me angry for refusing to shuck and jive … I would rather die
Then have to ask for the privilege of living free
Which means stop staring when I’m in the break room eating chicken … It is delicious
But don’t be scared to ask questions … I will always educate the ignorant
Racism assumes the melanin determines my nature
Thinks the American dream should be given to me in fractions
If at all
Tries to make me fall for the hoodwink with buzz words like “urban”
I won’t be fooled
I won’t be cooled by ” you’re one of the good ones ”
I won’t let you believe that truths about me are universal to my people
I won’t turn down or be defined by my “blackness” because it makes you uncomfortable
What proof do you need?
3 forms of valid ID
Utility bills .. See my credit score ?
What if you’re what I’ve been waiting all my life for ?
You don’t know if it’s the time ?
What if the right time is just something people made up to sell watches ?
What if whenever I close my eyes I watch us building on eternity?
What if I found our owners manual and it turns out we just need a romantic tune up every couple years ?
What if you’re the cure to my fears .. And I’m supposed to take you twice daily with a meal ?
What if this is real ?
If this isn’t real .. Then everything must be fake
And if we’re in the matrix .. Why can’t I fly ?
What if I gathered a team .. traveled to the center of the earth .. Past the crust and mantle … And found ancient tablets that said we were made for each other ?
Ten reasons why listed at that..
Would you believe ?
Do I gotta send you a gagillion hallmark cards ?
make you a mixtape ?
Sing you a song ?
Write you a poem ?
I don’t desire a love worth dying for
I’d like the type of love big headed grandchildren want to bring to show and tell
A collection of memories worth singing in the car at extreme octaves … Windows down
I would endorse that love
Sell fitted hats and tshirts of that love
An infatuation full of electrolytes .. Poured over people at weddings perhaps
An endearment that would be researched .. Dissected .. And proven to be true
Overworked grad students will have to write papers on public displays of affection
A romance recommended by Oprahs book club and made into a film starring Tom hanks and Meg Ryan
I don’t desire a love worth dying for
I want a love to live for
A long life
I miss you
All the hair you left in my sink
The way you never seem to drink a full bottle of water
I know that’s not fair
It’s just something I can’t help
Really I can’t stand it
The way memories of your laugh make me feel weak
The temptation to text you every time I’m drunk
Every time I’m up late
Every other breath or so
Make me sick to my stomach
I don’t even want you back
Which may be the craziest part of it all
It’s just that I so rarely fall in love …That not having you in my life feels wrong
I miss you
I know that’s not fair to say
So I wrote this instead