Tim The Writer

I miss you
All the hair you left in my sink
The way you never seem to drink a full bottle of water
I know that’s not fair
It’s just something I can’t help
Really I can’t stand it
The way memories of your laugh make me feel weak
The temptation to text you every time I’m drunk
Every time I’m up late
Every other breath or so
Make me sick to my stomach
I don’t even want you back
Which may be the craziest part of it all
It’s just that I so rarely fall in love …That not having you in my life feels wrong
Obscene
I miss you
I know that’s not fair to say
So I wrote this instead

“Said I was bait for her to master
Said I was bait for her to master”

Anything I needed I could ask her
Talk about the future … Can’t get past her
Never thought there would ever be an after
“forever moves faster”

Now I can’t listen to my favorite songs
Or go to my favorite places
Her face it appears in every location
Smile chasing my happiness
Like a specter in a haunted home
Even though I’m alone
I can’t shake it
What’s worse ?
I don’t want to
Cause memories are all I have left
Faithful to a figment of my imagination
To a love I couldn’t be faithful to when it was mine
I was gonna get right back
Gave em a little time
She was where I wanted to be at

Now I shed tears between a b a formats

Is she listening ?
Hey woman are you listening ?
I miss you baby

She gave me the opportunity to live

Put me in the position to succeed

Stayed with a man she didn’t love … So I wouldn’t be fatherless

She read to me

From the bible books of psalms and the berenstain bears

When I stayed out to late … She’d come find me

She told me to always hold doors .. Walk between the street and a lady
Be honest with a woman if you care

Hug me before beating me like Kunta

I wish I never taught her how to text message

I wish I savored more of our talks around the kitchen table

I wish I was more of the man she raised me to be

I coulda been great

“If you are afraid to die, more than likely, its cause you haven’t lived”-Casper Barfield

10/10/07

“You’ve got cancer” said the Doctor

10/10/08

“First time I’ve felt this good in a while” muttered Casper

He got out of bed

Stretched

Did some push ups

Just like every other morning since he was ten

The age when the guys attached his life long nickname

Originally, he was mad

Figured that anyone making fun of him would pay for the laughter with a bloody nose

After all, everyone played in the abandoned house on hortter street.

How was he sposed to know Crazy Old Ezekiel was spending the night there.

Casper, when suprised by Ezekiel, turned white as a certain friendly ghost.

Eventually though, “Casper” fit like it was tailor made.

“Good times” chuckled Casper at the memory

He took a shower

Cooked two eggs and grits

He ate his last meal slowly

Savoring his bites as if they were his mother’s home cooking.

Casper dressed in his nicest black suit.

He pulled his last will and testament from the nightstand.

Conspiciously, Noni Childs recieved everything.

Next he removed a bottle of pills

Casper unscrewed the cap and down half the bottle.

And closed his eyes

It had been a year since the Doctor’s diagnosis.

Six months since Sara’s death.

An excerpt from the last will and testament of Casper Barfield

“They say that amputee victims sometimes dream of their lost limbs.
Waking to find themselves still missing parts of them. Every morning I have to arise to the torture of missing my better half.
I would not wish that pain on my worst enemy. Still even in the day I find myself expecting to see my love walk through the door. Ready to ask “How was your day?”.
Instead I recieve nothing but silence. I’ve done enough in my life to know that the only thing I would be missing by continuing to live…..is her. “

“Don’t allow everday satisfaction to get in the way of once in a life time happiness”-Casper Barfield

3/30/80

“I deserve better” said Sara to herself

She’d just pulled up to the home she shared with Casper Barfield

Once again, his car was no where to be seen.

“I’m so fed up with this. We had so much promise that first night” thought Sara

She often remembered the night they met.

It was…..magical.

Now they’d been together for five years. Living together for two.

No sign of marriage on the horizon.

Sara went into the house

An odd odor tickling her nose.

“I think I might have to end it” she continued

Then she opened her bedroom door.

Candles were lit all around the room.

White and red rose petals were on the bed.

A piece of paper on her pillow caught her attention.

She read:

More useful

Suitable

Desirable

Improved

A dictionary’s definition of better

You make me better

Because you love me

Like I was a good king

A saint or something

Unconditonally you give me all of your heart

Tell me its mine for as long as I want it

And I want it forever

And I want to deserve you

So you make me better

I’ll start calling cause I don’t want you to worry.

I’ll listen cause I care what you think

I put the toilet seat down cause I’d die laughing if you fall in

Again

Even with the little things

You are the difference

You make me happy

So I need to be what you need

To make IT

Whatever IT is

Better.

-Casper

Sara turned to find Casper on one knee

Engagement ring in his palm

“We need to work on your timing” said Sara

Caper looked at her confused

“Yes” she said tears beginning

Things were never better